I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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