the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
