I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Randomize
