The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
Randomize
