hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
