I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
So I just did the walk of shame at dunkin... A lady told me me I was really dressed up and I told her I was going to a luncheon.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
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