Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
