I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Randomize
