i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Randomize
