My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
