i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
A place where it's acceptable to show body parts is not a good place for me to be.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
Randomize
