I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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