Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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