I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
