My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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