haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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