Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
