shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Maybe he injected his testicle?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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