i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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