You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
