his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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