u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
