There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
