Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
