hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
