Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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