my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
