They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
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