I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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