My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
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