I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
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