I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
Randomize
