The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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