I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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