I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
