i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
