Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
