He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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