I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
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