Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Randomize
