Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Randomize
