low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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