ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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