goodnight i made you a song goodbye
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
