Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
In America we eat man semen.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize
