We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
You know your from las vegas when the girl on the stage in the strip club was in my US gov class senior year
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
