Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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