I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
