she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
