if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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