Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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